I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
