I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
