you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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