I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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