nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
