I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
