I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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