I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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