You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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