If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
