he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
