My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
