My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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