Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
