She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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