oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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