I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
