Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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