Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"