It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.