i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
