Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
