shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
