it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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