why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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