I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
