theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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