Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
