My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't deserve a penis
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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