oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize