i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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