my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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