The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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