During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
