did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
