dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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