Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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