I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
