I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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