i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
