Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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