those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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