I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Pants are for mortals
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
