So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
