i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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