he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
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Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
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I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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