how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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