It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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