my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
