Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
