Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
