I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
