i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
