He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i came on her dog
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
