New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
