Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
