Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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