I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
