umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
